i wrote the other day about a friend of mine who's gone. people read those words and, some knowing much and others knowing little, drew conclusions and some appreciated them. i said i had to write them 'cos sometimes that's all you can do. Some people drew breath, others found more disquiet. One aired his dis-ease with a common sense balancing that there are two sides to this story. In fact there are more, but as i type i'm thinking of one particular person.
There are times when you pinch yourself: when life throws a blinding hand. So it was one Southport dance when i danced with a woman of grace, elegance and humour for the first time after many months of marvelling at her dancing. She smiled at my nerves, she tolerated my mistakes and she moved as if she were a blossom dancing in the lightest breeze. She and i danced more over time to my astonishment she would ask me to dance: i got less nervous and she maintained her tolerance and encouraging smile after each. i am not close to her but she was always friendly to me.
She lies in a hospital bed and has done so for some time now. She has serious injuries: she has a long hill to climb to recovery of her physical abilities. i wish her strength in that climb - all my strength, all our strength and all the strength in the world.
At this point, let me be clear: any sadness i feel about my dead friend does not cancel out any feeling i have for my living one. The is no limit or boundary to our grief.
And to elaborate, my thoughts for him do not just centre on his death: though it may be that i don't know all the facts of that. A man crosses a line when he decides to do whatever heinous thing is in his head. my grief and sorrow begin when a mind conceives to do the inconceivable. The man I know dies the moment he picks up the weapon with intent. i mourn the man i knew. But a life cannot be defined by one act - much as we might like that for the bad people - would we want that for ourselves? A great thinker once said "There is no crime of which I do not deem myself capable." - it is only how we deal with circumstances that steers our path.
So my friend is hurt and scarred and i am helpless here. I could speculate that damage wrought goes beyond the body - who of us can conceive of those moments. i can marvel at her courage. What in life prepares anyone for this situation? She has perhaps seen and heard what has happened and what has been said these last two weeks. She may be swirling in a maelstrom of emotions - pulling first this way then another. We have been there in our own neat worlds but she has a thousand and one things in her head to compound this horrific occurrence. And it is a horror: I have no doubt. Words like "sadness", "grief" even "anger" do little justice to her burden.
How can she look forward? She will have to find her own way. But I can do more here than elsewhere. I have already signposted the simple act of acknowledgment that from this unforeseen tragic and horrific event good can come:
- The people at Victim Support can not only help my friend, but all those who find themselves as victims. Please donate your money or just let others now this organisation is here to help.
- We can urge those who are suffering violence as a day to day commodity to seek help.
- More than that, we can look to a future where this wonderful dancer joins us again if she can and if she wishes that to happen. It is an uncertain enough future without the worry of acceptance.
The label of "victim" similar to the label of "perpetrator" do us no good. They are hangovers from a time when we were defined by what we do in such a one dimensional way. i have shaken hands with two "murderers" so far in my life - one a charming man of inspirational clarity, thoughtfulness and optimism, the other a practical man with joke and a laugh and flamboyant approach to problem solving. i met one knowing that he had committed the crime and the other (my boss) before he battered my colleague to death. We cannot let those labels for one act define all of their lives - it doesn't work.
- So, my final thought, i refuse to define my friend for the rest of our friendship as a victim. As she recovers from what has happened to her, i will acknowledge her journey and her battle and her many qualities and, not least, look forward to another dance.
Views 141 before transfer
There are times when you pinch yourself: when life throws a blinding hand. So it was one Southport dance when i danced with a woman of grace, elegance and humour for the first time after many months of marvelling at her dancing. She smiled at my nerves, she tolerated my mistakes and she moved as if she were a blossom dancing in the lightest breeze. She and i danced more over time to my astonishment she would ask me to dance: i got less nervous and she maintained her tolerance and encouraging smile after each. i am not close to her but she was always friendly to me.
She lies in a hospital bed and has done so for some time now. She has serious injuries: she has a long hill to climb to recovery of her physical abilities. i wish her strength in that climb - all my strength, all our strength and all the strength in the world.
At this point, let me be clear: any sadness i feel about my dead friend does not cancel out any feeling i have for my living one. The is no limit or boundary to our grief.
And to elaborate, my thoughts for him do not just centre on his death: though it may be that i don't know all the facts of that. A man crosses a line when he decides to do whatever heinous thing is in his head. my grief and sorrow begin when a mind conceives to do the inconceivable. The man I know dies the moment he picks up the weapon with intent. i mourn the man i knew. But a life cannot be defined by one act - much as we might like that for the bad people - would we want that for ourselves? A great thinker once said "There is no crime of which I do not deem myself capable." - it is only how we deal with circumstances that steers our path.
So my friend is hurt and scarred and i am helpless here. I could speculate that damage wrought goes beyond the body - who of us can conceive of those moments. i can marvel at her courage. What in life prepares anyone for this situation? She has perhaps seen and heard what has happened and what has been said these last two weeks. She may be swirling in a maelstrom of emotions - pulling first this way then another. We have been there in our own neat worlds but she has a thousand and one things in her head to compound this horrific occurrence. And it is a horror: I have no doubt. Words like "sadness", "grief" even "anger" do little justice to her burden.
How can she look forward? She will have to find her own way. But I can do more here than elsewhere. I have already signposted the simple act of acknowledgment that from this unforeseen tragic and horrific event good can come:
- The people at Victim Support can not only help my friend, but all those who find themselves as victims. Please donate your money or just let others now this organisation is here to help.
- We can urge those who are suffering violence as a day to day commodity to seek help.
- More than that, we can look to a future where this wonderful dancer joins us again if she can and if she wishes that to happen. It is an uncertain enough future without the worry of acceptance.
The label of "victim" similar to the label of "perpetrator" do us no good. They are hangovers from a time when we were defined by what we do in such a one dimensional way. i have shaken hands with two "murderers" so far in my life - one a charming man of inspirational clarity, thoughtfulness and optimism, the other a practical man with joke and a laugh and flamboyant approach to problem solving. i met one knowing that he had committed the crime and the other (my boss) before he battered my colleague to death. We cannot let those labels for one act define all of their lives - it doesn't work.
- So, my final thought, i refuse to define my friend for the rest of our friendship as a victim. As she recovers from what has happened to her, i will acknowledge her journey and her battle and her many qualities and, not least, look forward to another dance.
Views 141 before transfer
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